AeNa YvELLe (moonwindstarsky) wrote in sad_shy_lonely,
AeNa YvELLe
moonwindstarsky
sad_shy_lonely

True Love


I had it... once - it was too good to be true, but I was too afraid to say anything because I was afraid I would lose a relationship mid-college career, and now I've lost the opportunity to make one. I knew this problem was going to happen ahead of time when I first saw him. I thought I could handle it and make things better, but I just became a coward. He knew everyone picked on me. People watching what I'd do or say scared me from talking to him. All I can do now is hope for the opportunity to talk to him and tell him how I felt and thank him for making my dream/wish come true for awhile by truly caring about me for so long. I never thought I could be this happy, but at the same time I honestly thought he would leave me once he realized the true me (since he seemed to be blinded by love).
I am shy, unstable, lack social interest and skills, full of health problems, psychically sensitive and weak, easily scared and talk to myself. On top of this I hate what I'm going to be doing for a job, have no close friends in person, and my parents don't like each other (dad may have cheated, mom is stuck with him though) and don't like me that much either. My parents are angry whenever I get depressed and think I'm either possessed, mentally too free, brainwashed (I have my own ideas), or should be out earning money. I've applied to one paid internship. I was diagnosed with paranoia and depression before college so they don't really believe that anything bad can happen to me. I was harrassed by a doctor and felt uncomfortable around the physical therapists, and have been stalked on campus - still being stalked by students and strangers. I emailed to campus security but my dad was so angry since he didn't believe anything bad could happen. My parents don't think anything will happen, and I hope they are right. But if something does happen, my parents will probably never believe me. They think I'm hallucinating.
My psychiatrist told me 3.5yrs ago that there is someone for everyone, and that I should get a boyfriend. My dad was angry when he found out I liked a guy on campus. He prevented me from meeting him once or twice. My parents don't really believe in love and keep telling me to wait till I work in a warmer state and meet someone there because MONEY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LOVE and I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend due to my instability and money. They couldn't believe that some guy would like me the way I was without changing my appearance.
I don't know what to say anymore except that I'm probably going to be depressed for a long time until I meet someone who loves me and I am willing to love back without fear. I guess that's the next step.
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